she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
