she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
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you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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