I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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