Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
