i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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