Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
