yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
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She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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