What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
