i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
