I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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