are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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