Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
