Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
