I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
