When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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