I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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