I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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