If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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