Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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