"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
