So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
