I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship