Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Randomize
