My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
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