I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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