I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
