she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
