he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Sober January is a disaster.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
