Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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