It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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