Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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