I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
