Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
