woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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