I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We left the knife in your bed.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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