I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
