just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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