We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
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Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
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Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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