White coat. Heels.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
