...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
