I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
