please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
