i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
drinking out of a sandbucket again
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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