I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
