someone threw a dead crab at me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
