I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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