One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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