Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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