i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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