all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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