im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
