My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
