Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
