I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
