the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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