cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
