Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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